sidravitale: Harry Potter screaming underneath LJ icon by fire_bad (harry potter screaming underneath)
This *sucks*. I'm not getting woken up, I just can't sleep. *Sigh*. It's been like this since Wednesday.

Interestingly, I seem to be off my normal tea-drinking habits, too. So, today's TODO list is comprised of TV/Internet, goofing off, laundry at some point (utterly necessary), hopefully some yoga, and tea tea and more tea.

Further bulletins as events warrant.
sidravitale: B5 "WWID" icon by always_a_boom (B5 always_a_boom ivanova)
Fuck you, anxiety.

I dozed last night while waiting for my friend who is giving me his treadmill to get off work, and woke up again just shy of midnight (early evening for him), so we moved the machine into my apartment, in the process, apparently, losing the nifty magnet-switch thingy that'll actually turn the fucker on.

That's not so awful, I mean, there are replacement parts, there's only so many places the damn thing could have fallen off between his apt and mine so we may actually find it. I remain confident that something can be done. And if it can't, I remain confident his feelings won't be hurt if I ask him to take it away because I can't use it.

What's awful is that tired and exhausted as I was, I couldn't deal with having them in my apartment with the door open and the cat hiding for very long. Tired and exhausted as I was, I then stayed up until 2am, unable to sleep, until I got up and locked the third lock on my door. Like someone's going to fucking come in. Like if they came in I wouldn't hear them and wake up. Like I didn't study martial arts with the express purpose of injuring the man who comes into my home uninvited or handles me without my express consent. Like my apartment isn't a fucking minefield of crap to bump into - now with bonus exercise equipment!

And yet.
sidravitale: the_dibbler's Labyrinth 'goblin in hat' LJ icon (goblin in hat)
Startle reflex - triggered twice but not so bad I screamed full-voice, ahem, in the past 24 hours.
Sleep - not so hot and humid the past few days, so I'm getting some again. (Sleep, I mean. Not "getting some" as in wink-wink-nudge-nudge.)
Mood - seem to have weathered the anniversary of Papa's death (particularly bad this year) and come out with not too much damage.
Yoga - performed by the light of the moon (and the TV) on Monday night, a couple sporadic poses during the week, and a oooo-my-back-got-tight! series this morning.
Money - so fucked up I spent 45 minutes last night picking out $20 in dimes from my accumulated-change-of-years-past to add to the $40 I had in my checking account, so I can buy my August transit pass, after spending $2.50 on vegetables at the farmers market so I can have something more than just legumes and rice/pasta the next several days. (Eggplant, tomatoes, and any herbs ya got can go far as ratatouille.) Why is it so bad? Paid $$ to credit card X only to find out they activated my auto-pay feature, so I paid twice just to them this month. Also, $$ to eye doctor to finish paying for exam in Feb. Also, had to buy new keyboard for desktop. Also, had to pay dues for D.C. bar membership. Shite. Sheisse. Kuso. Grrrrrrr.
Hair - am all out of cassia to mix my henna with so I cannot do my hair. See above re: money. Have decided to momentarily just look lit from within (I have silvery-ash-slate hair that is going grey, and I dye it red with henna & cassia, so the roots coming in are noticeable but a vaguely interesting effect.).
Health - saw a totally candid shot of myself in a camera the other day and realized how completely out of shape I've gotten. Ergo, time to get some exercise. Quitting the Saturday Job should help me find time for this, and for writing.
Art - having more time for writing will make me very, very happy, as the only thing I've sold in the past couple years is some erotica under a pseudonym.
Art of Others - Shakespeare on the Common opened this week! I'll be going some Saturday after work. And once my Saturdays open up more completely, I expect to be visiting a lot of Boston's free cultural events.
sidravitale: tree user icon by quiettype (trees icon by quiettype)
So, too much intensity in my life at the time when I get ruinously depressed over the anniversary of my father's death. Fortunately, no court dates, but I did cry a lot, and then some more. Which is good, because I suck at crying and it frequently takes a physical trigger for me to cross that edge and let emotional pain out. Makes it hard to sleep, as did the heat/humidity.

So, this week? Wine, and old movies, and vague ideas about recuperation. Grieving is exhausting, no matter how old the hurt.

The movies in question? "The Philadelphia Story", and "The Lady Eve". The latter I'd not seen before and is WONDERFUL. (The former, I had seen before, and, also wonderful.) If I'm lucky, something new from Netflix will be waiting for me when I get home tonight.

The cat barricades my pillow from bad dreams, silent protectress. Alas, she thinks I should wake on her schedule.
sidravitale: BBC's Coupling icon by aryas_icons (BBC Coupling)
*sigh* as it's when my father died, and my mood boomerangs from chipper to tearful in three seconds flat. Rather impressive, really, but a bit like being the ball in a tennis match.
sidravitale: Harry Potter screaming underneath LJ icon by fire_bad (harry potter screaming underneath)
But spent much of the day napping, reading, and now accidentally getting halfway-triggered by a fucking TV show.

Whoa. It is more and more obvious that I need a new job with health benefits so I've got at least a shot at a diagnosis (of something that is more and more obviously PTSD or damn close to it) and hully gee, even some care.

The sleep debt accretes, too. (But the sore throat hasn't changed much since Friday. Am I coming down with something, or what? Weird.)
sidravitale: the_dibbler's Labyrinth 'goblin in hat' LJ icon (goblin in hat)
Today's moderate enjoyment of food offset by startle reflex and attendant anxiety. Yippee.
sidravitale: Harry Potter screaming underneath LJ icon by fire_bad (harry potter screaming underneath)
Had another freakout last Saturday at the office. I *CAN* *NOT* have my back to the main body of the office when I'm alone there.
sidravitale: firefly kaylee "cheerfulgirl" LJ icon by counterglow (firefly cheerfulgirl kaylee)
1. There's a doctor's appointment on Tuesday about which I shall say more later, but upon which much depends. And lo, I am sore afraid.
2. Naturally, since I have no health insurance (even living here in Massachusetts, don't ask me if I wince when people point our way as some kind of success story about health care 'reform') I'll be paying for that visit out of my own pocket.
3. I'm trying to do yoga with my Yoga Shakti DVD every day both to manage my fear, as moving meditation seems to work for me in a way sitting-still-meditation often does not, and manage my blood pressure, and it's good for my health generally.
4. I'm not very good at yoga, but I try to get the poses right and breathe, and I believe that's the main requirement, isn't it? I'm improving my sun salutations, and I love sun salutations, especially because I've been doing them at sunrise. It makes me feel for a moment like Theamh doing haons linn.
5. I had a really good talk with a friend yesterday about getting some real help for my problems, not just the potential immediate medical issue but on a broader scale. The fact that I am beginning to be able to talk about this stuff even though doing so makes me lightheaded (too intense, plus adrenaline[*]) I hope is indicative of my moving far enough along to take the next step of seeking help out. Sometime within, oh, the next several years.
6. We turn (80) (that's 40 for each twin) this year. I never expected to make it to 30, much less 40. Kinda cool.
7. I ordered a bunch of tea (probably my tea purchase for the year, a habit that's worked in the past) from English Tea Store and I LOVE Lapsang Souchong.
8. Wasabi peas.
9. I use my Kaylee "Most Cheerful Girl in the Universe" icon on this post in hope.

[*]I'm AWESOME in a crisis, as people who've lived through crises with me well know. I don't get light-headed/want to pass out from the adrenaline rush, etc., until afterward. When it's safe to do so. (This is just how I respond to stuff. Go read David Kiersey's /Please Understand Me/ if you want to get more into it. I'm an INTJ.)
sidravitale: B5 'don't care' icon by aryas_icons (Dr Franklin B5 "don't give a shit")
Classic panic attack. So. So far, 2010 has not been shaping up all that great either.
sidravitale: starwars leia 'hope' LJ icon by musesrealm (starwars leia hope musesrealm)
I've been drinking way too much since Pepper died and it's time to stop. It's a way of hiding from the truth. So, I'm going to stop the denial and actually grieve. I don't take my emotional responses seriously enough to make room for them in my always-busy schedule. But, my closest companion of 12 years is gone and I just have to face it. No more hiding.

In other news, I thought the film adaptation of the graphic novel 30 Days of Night was quite good, and the changes to the storyline made it more character-centered and a stronger film. I never paid that much attention to Josh Hartnett as an actor, but he transformed, and transformed my opinion of him, during this film.
sidravitale: tile grapes LJ icon by musesrealm (tile grapes musesrealm)
night terrors (screaming, midnight, etc.) or heart palpitations during the day? Tough call, tough call.

My cat Pepper (here) is in cat hospital with fluid in her chest. Various analyses have been and are being conducted but I won't have her back until after the weekend.
sidravitale: tree user icon by quiettype (trees icons)
I'm familiar with the symptoms of PTSD because I read a lot of confidential psych evaluations. I most likely have it.

Anyway, I had the strongest non-flashback flashback in years, triggered by this little odor-mister thingamajig in the ladies room over at the law school going "hssst" as it operated, as I was drying my hands yesterday. Flashback is the wrong word, it wasn't actually a flash "back" to the traumatic event, but it was so strong I can't swear I didn't actually see something out of the corner of my eye, see a dark man that was going to reach out and grab me any second now, so strong and so vivid I cried and had to put my hand over my mouth to not scream. Horrible, horrible, horrible.
sidravitale: Harry Potter LJ icon by fire_bad (fire_bad icons)
I had a dream with all the trappings of my old nightmares, which I've never had since leaving Alaska (we'll just trot lightly over the bit where you ask me what on earth could I possibly have recurrent nightmares about that I'd so strongly associate with my home turf that to leave meant I'd not only dream the nightmares would stop, but they actually did), and a) I tried to kill that which haunted me, literally, with a screwdriver to the chest; and b) did not experience the paralyzing horror and fear that makes a nightmare a nightmare.

I knew going back to Alaska in August and specifically back to the scene of certain crimes (alas, literally) could trigger interesting things, but this I did not expect.
sidravitale: Life of Brian "Hey" LJ Icon by musesrealm (lifeofbrian hey musesrealm)
These night terrors are killing me. After so many years, I'm pretty much used to the concept, so I don't usually get the full adrenaline spike anymore. But holy fuck, four episodes in one night? Are you shitting me? And I don't even know how many nights its been the past few weeks.

Have terrors enough nights in a row and its like aversion training on going to sleep - you simply don't WANT to, no matter how tired you are.

Bleah. Today I'm going to spin some yarn, take out the trash, henna my hair, and not do much else.

September 2015

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